


Amnesia

by cherri_cola (orphan_account)



Series: The Aftermath Of Losing Someone [3]
Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Alternate Universe - Post-War, Angst, Cutting, Drinking, Flashbacks, Fluff, Grief, M/M, Memories, suicidal, triggering
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-10-06
Updated: 2014-10-06
Packaged: 2018-02-20 02:18:33
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,408
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2411348
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/cherri_cola
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"I wish that I could wake up with amnesia, and forget about the stupid little things, like the way it felt to fall asleep next to you, and the memories I never can escape."</p>
            </blockquote>





	Amnesia

**Author's Note:**

> Oh my god! Sorry this is so late, I just had writers block and the italics when I was writing and it was really frustrating, but this probably going to be around the third last one in the series! Enjoy (:

Levi wakes up and sees that it’s dark outside, there are discarded bottles all around the room and his head’s killing him, he sees another person under the blankets next to him as well and wakes them up, it was a boy, taller than Levi, yet not that much taller, he had jet black hair with forest green eyes with freckles dotted across his nose and cheeks as well. Levi sighs to himself, _What the fuck have I become now? I need to get my fucking shit together._ He thinks to himself as the boy gets out of bed, the covers falling down revealing that he had no clothes on, he was sturdy with abs surrounding his core and strong arms as well. Levi puts his head in his hands and asks the boy to leave, who understood completely it was only a drunken one night stand, and those never mattered in the grand scheme of life, and how you live it. Levi stands up as he hears the door his apartment close, he walks into the kitchen and sighs, since when did he become so pathetic. He looks down at his newly scarred wrists and takes an apple from the fruit bowl on the table in front of him, he holds in one of his hands as he opens the fridge to pour himself a small glass of vodka and sees that he’s run out of the poison, it was poison, yes but it made him feel numb and forget about his worries, it brought out pain as well though, but even though it did that, he never remembered anything when he got drunk as well. He would remember snippets but not everything. He walks into his room, opening his wardrobe and takes out a pair of rugged jeans with holes in the knees and one of Eren’s old sweaters. He throws it on over his head and smiles, Eren’s sweater still smelt like Eren even though it had been 11 days since he got the news and he doesn’t know how long they had waited to inform him, but at least the sweater still had the faint smell of cinnamon and coffee. He leaves the apartment and decides to go down the stairs instead of taking the lift, after all he was only on the second level. 

 

When he gets down to the lobby he gets sympathetic looks from everyone and he hates it, he sees someone standing next to the door of the apartment block and is stopped by the boy who says,

“Hi, would like a hug? I’m giving away free hugs it’s sorta my job.” He says with a wide smile on his face, Levi’s heart softens at the kind gesture, but he tries to walk away and is stopped in his tracks as he feels himself being embraced by the taller boy,

“You may deny it, but you looked like you really needed one.” Levi just nods and walks out the doors and to the liquor store across the road.

 

*~*

 

Levi enters the store and looks across at the counter and sees Pixis shaking his head at him, the cashier hated seeing the man come in every couple of days and buying bottles of beer, wine and spirits. Levi walks to the back and picks out a bottle of whiskey and two bottles of vodka, then puts them on the counter and telling Pixis to wait as he walks further to the front of the store and pulls out two six packs of beer and then walks back over and puts the beer on the counter and Pixis starts to scan everything,

“This is the last time I’m doing this for you.” The man says and Levi replies with a simple 

“Tch.” As he takes the bags from across the counter, 

“No, I’m serious, you need to get your life back together, stop drinking, I’m cutting you off.” Pixis says, a serious tone in his voice and Levi just walks out, anger spreading throughout his body and veins, that bastard was gonna cut him off, that was good, but yet also bad, how else was he going to channel his emotions, how else was everything gonna turn out better, how else was he going to bury his feelings, how else was he going to cut the world out. He walks into the lobby and notices the free hugs guy has left the place and gets in the lift, seeing Petra the girl who introduced herself to him earlier in the week, the day of Eren’s funeral. He quickly runs and gets in the lift trying to avoid running into the girl and hits the button for level two, 

“WAIT! HOLD THE DOOR!” He hears the strawberry blonde shout and puts his hand between the doors, sighing, transferring the bag to his left hand and sticking his right in the door, she smiles up at him and he just grunts and takes his hand out of the door as the girl smiles and says a small 

“Thanks.” Levi nods his head in acknowledgement of her comment,

“You never told me your name.” She says kindly, 

“Levi Rivaille.” He replies gruffly, 

“You’re french?” She says cautiously, 

“Dad’s side.” He says, trying to get her to drop the subject as the lift dings symbolises they’ve reached his floor, 

“It was nice talkin-“ She didn’t even get to finish as the doors to the lift closed, and Levi sighed unlocking his apartment and opening the door as soon as he walks inside he puts the bag on the counter he gets the vodka and whiskey out, opens both and pours them both into the same cup even though it was only 10:36 in the morning.

 

By eleven o’clock the man found himself holding Eren’s letter in his hand crying, rocking back and forth on his bed, his mind drifting off to the rope under the sink and he shakes his head.

“N-n-no, y-you p-promised not t-to d-do anything st-stupid.” he whispers to himself as he cries, _But you want to be with him don’t you? You want to be with Eren._ His mind says and he nods, he does, he wants to see Eren again, he wants to be able to hold him in his arms again, kiss him, hug him, cry with him, laugh with him. He just cries more, he cries more and finds himself walking drunkenly to a bathroom with thoughts of never leaving the apartment after today.

*~*

Levi opens the cabinet underneath the sink and sees a bloodied razor lying next to a piece of rope coiled into a circle, he takes it out, ruining the formation and sits in the bath as he starts to tie the knot that would possibly end his life.

_Levi looks at the boy sleeping in the bed next to him, it was around one in the morning, Eren was going to be deported today, the boy was going to fight for their country in Afghanistan. Levi was terrified, he was terrified that his boyfriend was going to lose his life and never come back home to him. He should’ve proposed before the twenty three year old was gonna be deported, but he’d only been legal for five years and they’d only been going out for three of those. Levi shakes his head and opens his draw in the bedside table and gets out his lighter and cigarettes and quietly leaves the room, being careful not to wake the sleeping man on the other side of the bed and goes outside the room and onto the small balcony that all the apartments had and lights a cigarette and lets the smoke dilute his lungs, he barely smoked anymore, but he did it to clear his head. He starts to think of how it’s possible that when he takes his boyfriend to the airport tomorrow it’ll be the last time he’ll ever say goodbye, he notices that there are tears building_ _up underneath his eyelids and brings up his free hand to wipe them away as he takes another smoke, he thinks of all the memories he has with the boy currently sleeping in their bed. He smiles fondly at the thought of the sleeping boy in the apartment. He feels a single tear slide down his cheek and as he cries silently to himself, he hears the door to the balcony open and feels arms embrace his waist and Eren’s lips make contact with his cheeks._

_“What are you doing up so early?” The chestnut haired boy asks, yawning_

_“Thinking about the possibility of you not coming home.” Levi replies honestly, more tears slowly trickling down his cheeks_

_“I’ll come home Levi, I promise, I’ll come home alive.” He replies, wiping away Levi’s tears._

 

“What the fuck are you doing.” Levi says to himself, looking appalled as the rope falls from his hands into the bath making a small _Thud_ as it hits the porcelain, “You have to live for him. You promised not to do anything stupid, this is one of the stupidest things you can do Levi.” The man says to himself, his drunken state seemingly becoming less and less so as he realises what he was about to do, he want to see Eren again, but he ca’t take his own life, not yet, not until he hits rock bottom. He can’t let that happen though, he can’t let himself get so low, become so pathetic and small because of someone’s death that he feels the need to take his own life.

 

*~*

**  
  
**Levi wakes up in the morning, in the bath he had spent most of the previous night in, the rope in front of him, in his lap and tangled around his legs.

“How the fuck did I fall asleep in a bath?” Levi grumbles to himself as he stands up, a pain in his lower back flaring up as he sighs and pulls out the rope as well, he then tucks it away in cabinet next to the razor. Levi’s hand grazes against the cool metal as he pulls out and decides that, even if he can’t kill himself, there are other ways to feel pain. He sits against the bath again and drags the blade repeatedly over his mauled and mutilated wrists, making them look even more disgusting and worth pitying.

 

*~*

 

Petra hears sobbing coming from the apartment below her again, she didn’t know who it was, or why they were so sad, she just hoped they were okay. She could go over and ask but wouldn’t that be at least a little bit rude. What if it was Levi? The guy she met in the elevator, she remembered occasionally seeing him around the place but when she did he was always with a boy who had chestnut hair and stunningly green eyes. She wondered why the man’s alone now. She brushes all thoughts of that man away and starts to cook herself dinner. She goes into the kitchen and starts to get everything out to make a small salad and some chicken for herself when the cries and sobbing stops and everything goes deadly silent. There was no noise, maybe she was just paranoid, but what if the person who had just been crying had killed themselves, she abandons the salad she was just about to start making and runs out the door.

Petra finds herself outside apartment _B-21_ the one directly underneath hers, she timidly knocks on the door, and it inches open, it was unlocked. As soon as she walks in, she’s hit with the stench of alcohol and has to put a hand over her mouth trying not to be sick. The place is identical to her own, she sees the bathroom door slightly ajar. She walks towards the door and she sees something that she never thought she would see.

 

*~*

 

“LEVI!” She shouts, walking quickly up to the unconscious man slumped against the bath with excessive amounts of blood bleeding out of his arms as wrists. She looks in the cupboards under the sink and above it as well, trying to find a first aid kit, every apartment had one, they were usually in the right shelf above the sink on the bottom shelf, she was right. She pulls it out and starts dressing the cuts and scratches along Levi’s arms. She makes sure to cover them with antiseptic and wipe down slowly, trying not to cause too much pain, she notices Levi’s eyes open for a second or two then close again, he was probably returning to consciousness. His eyes flutter open as she finishes bandaging the first arm and then moves on to his left and does the same, 

“How the fuck did you get in here?!” He asks, anger lacing his voice,

“I heard you crying, my apartment’s right above yours.” She says smiling fondly,

“So you just come into my apartment and see me in this state?!” He roars, fuming as she finishes dressing the cuts with antiseptic and then proceeds to slowly start to bandage them, 

“Yes, but you would be dead if I hadn’t come.” She replies gravely,

“Maybe I wanted that..” He replies, thinking Petra can’t hear him, but she does and her heart breaks, 

“You shouldn’t.” She says standing up and helping Levi do the same, who then slowly walks out of the bathroom and straight to the kitchen, getting out vodka and just drinking straight from the bottle and feels it being taken from his hand. 

“No. You can’t keep doing this to yourself, I hear you crying yourself to sleep at night and if you think I’m about to let you keep feeling sorry for yourself like this, you’re wrong.” She says defiantly then pours the liquor down the drain, 

“Do you know how much that costs?” He asks her, “Not to mention the guy I buy it from cut me off this morning.” 

“And say that’s a good thing.” She says walking out of the apartment and slamming the door and Levi contemplates what she said. It was true, he had been wallowing in self pity, he needed to start getting on with his life. He’s going to get better, Eren wouldn’t want Levi to be doing this to himself, he’d want Levi to be like he used to be, before all this happened, before everything turned to shit, before he lost Eren.

 

**Author's Note:**

> Sorry this was so shitty! It was rushed, so yea, hope you liked that Petra's become a more significant character now, but if you have any feedback leave a comment! I'll most likely reply as it is, I always do, also, Rivetra won't make an appearance in the series, they just build a really close bond, but it might change, but I myself am only around 75% sure of this, so I'll probably put it in the relationships either way because they're gonna form a close bond as I said. Also my Mum owns a huge company and she knows heaps of people in corporate business and stuff and they do actually hire huggers, they always go for the businessmen, I wasn't sure if any of you knew that, but I just thought it would've been a nice addition to the fic.


End file.
